dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
