i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
