The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
