worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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