Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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