dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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