Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize