for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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