i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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