Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
