I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
