Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
