Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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