I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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