Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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