I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
