I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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