I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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