I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
