i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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