Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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