last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
