You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i love accidental penises.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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