sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
