I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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