Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
