I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
