OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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