So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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