you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
