I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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