My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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