You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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