Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
