The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
