i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
