There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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