Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
