I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
