so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
