I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
