just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
