Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
