Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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