Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
