When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Tell her she can't have a vagina
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
