i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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