Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
