I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
