So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
