my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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