What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
