So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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