pedialite and red bull = repair kit
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
