New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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