Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
