apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
