McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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