I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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